responses to people asking why i don't drink
when i was a kid a drunk hawk swooped down and stole my kidney and since then the smell of bourbon makes my side hurt
steven alcohol, the inventor of drinkable alcohol, stole money from my family, resulting in a centuries-long blood feud
my 23andme results said that i’m actually 40% dolphin and they’re allergic to alcohol
i worked in a distillery when i was 9 and associate the smell with osha violations
have to stay alert for The Rapture
i only drink 800 proof, and they just don’t sell it most places
i’m microdosing serotonin
i’m a professional yodeler and if i get acid reflux i have to cancel my shows for the next week
instead of a chore wheel my roommates and i take turns each being a different family member and it’s my turn to be the baby
i don’t drink with people who seem like they went to math camp
i got stabbed the other day and i’m still recovering my blood volume
i’m leaving right after this to fly a fighter jet
whenever i drink i get nosebleeds and develop unwieldy telekinesis like eleven from stranger things
i lose my socks every time i get drunk and this is my very last pair
it makes me really bad at board games and i’m gearing up to absolute annihilate you at scrabble later
i’m part orc so elven wine doesn’t really affect me. might as well just drink some juice
it gives me uncontrollable hiccups for the rest of the night
makes my dick-sucking way too sloppy
men like me more when i drink
zombie apocalypse could break out at any time, gotta be prepared
that shit is full of GMOs
“i’m vegan” (refuse to explain)
it feeds the monkey banging cymbals in my brain